...im tired of feeling sick all the time. i need to de-stress my life somehow...but how does one go about doing that? it is so hard to focus on school, work, and friendships amoung other things when i have migraines almost daily and im sick to my stomach. its all adding up and im caving under the pressure. part of me just wants to be done school after 1st semester but is it the right thing or is that just what satan wants...i dont know anymore! if things stay the way they are i wont last much longer, and then il have to call it quits on everything! cant take the pressure anymore...need a relief...

a song im working on....will re-post when its finished

so this is a lil something im working on....if you have any ideas of how to improve it let me know as this is a very rough draft of it!

v.1
The smile she wears on her face, is just a smile
It has no meaning, she wants to hide so you can’t see
All the hurt that’s going on inside
There is nothing wrong when the smile is on, or so the world may think
She puts on a mask to keep people out,
So they don’t see her heart in shattered pieces all over the floor

v.2
the silent thoughts running through his head
“you aren’t good enough, no one likes you” so he worries..
He goes to all the parties, getting whatever he can,
In fear of losing his friends he does what they say,
Drugs and alcohol running their course through his system
Nothing helps, he still feels broken, hurt and alone

-chorus-
Learning the roles of the masks is an easy task
Many faces, many moods, a different mask to cover them up
Going weeks without taking them off, beginning to believe that they
Might actually be me rather than merely just a facade that you see.
Yet meanwhile, my true self hides, lying dormant within.
Isolated and forgotten.


v.3
The pastor’s daughter, who is broken inside, has suffered so much.
The cuts on her arm always have an explanation
But they are never the truth. The razor blade brings relief
But no one would ever know.
They see her and see the Princess she was raised to be.
When she’s not alone, she’s got it all together but little do they know..

v.4
he’s scared to be real so he puts up a wall
to ashamed of what you would think if he was honest
so he keeps it all to himself , wanting you to know the truth
not willing to be vulnerable so he shuts you out
secretly wishing that he could spill it all, he hides
behind the ‘tough guy, aint no body gonna break me’ attitude.


-chorus-
Learning the roles of the masks is an easy task
Many faces, many moods, a different mask to cover them up
Going weeks without taking them off, beginning to believe that they
Might actually be me rather than merely just a facade that you see.
Yet meanwhile, my true self hides, lying dormant within.
Isolated and forgotten.

-bridge-
Rather than bringing me closer to myself, I push it all away
All these masks alienate me from who I really am.
I don’t want to live this charade I want to be myself.
God help me remove these masks that I wear
Being the real me doesn’t mean I’m giving up
Rather I’m pushing forward to where I can truly be free.

embracing our brokenness

ok so today in chapel the speaker was talking about how we need to embrace our brokenness. there was a few of us students that were talking to the speaker about being authentic and how it is hard to be that in a christian bubble, where it should be the easiest place to be open. even tho we talked about it yesterday, it hit me so hard today. we have this community of believers that we can rely on to help us bear our burdens but we dont often use it. i know for myself it is so hard to be completely authentic with other people because im scared of what they will think of me. i often act like i have it all together when im torn inside and dont know how to deal with whats going on. and the speaker was talking about how we often say that we are being broken, but really we are just coming to the realization of how broken we really are. it is a good reminder especially for me, that even tho i can act like i have it all together and people can think that i do because of how i act or what i say, that God knows the truth. he sees the depths of my heart and he knows all about my brokenness and what it will take to be healed.
its often hard to find that person(s) that you can be totally real with, but i know for the sake of getting through it all, i need to find mine.

God is Great

So far this year at school has been good, but challenging. being sick a lot hinders the school work but i have had such awesome experiences with God already. He is doing an amazing work in me and im excited to see him continue. it makes me wonder what he all has in store for my life! i have come to far to lose it now, i dont want to go backwards in our relationship anymore. God has been soo good to me over the years and its time i start trying to keep things moving forward! my past is the past and i dont need to live in it or by it. i am a different person and thats what matters now! i live my life for the one and only God! he loves me so much and that is all i need in life to be happy and to have peace!

God sometimes i wonder why its so hard to keep up in our relationship.
i cheat you way too often. i know things need to get better.
God please keep the devil away from me and out of my mind so i can get to where i know i can be with you! Satan often convinces me that we are good enough where we are at, but the truth is, we arent. im gonna try harder than ever to get things to a better place. i need you! i want your light to shine through me always! God please help me.

well its bin a while since ive written on here...bible school has been pretty awesome definately learning a lot/ finiding out how much i really did not know about the bible! the boyfriend is absolutly amazing as well. yesterday in church the pastor was speaking on how we need to love anyways not love because of certain things. i really enjoyed the message because no matter where you go or what you do in life there are always going to be poeple that are hard to love but to love them anyways is a good challenge! i have seen the benefits of being loved anyways and its really awesome. some people know that i have a past that at times is hard to deal with but you know what, God loves me anyways and my bf chooses to love me anyways. i feel so blessed by the poeple who choose to love no matter what. thats what i want to be able to do for all people that are in my life. not to love them because they are good to me or because they make me happy but love them anywas even if they mess up and fail sometimes. even i dont want to love them some days but i choose to love them anyways! if people all over the world could do this think of how wonderful the world could be. unfortunatly lots of us including christians love because not anyways.....

well today i started my first class. its two week class that involves a heck of a lot of reading. its called Pentateuch, pretty self explanitory! in the next two weeks il be studying the first 5 books of the bible. it should be pretty awesome! i am taking a big load this year, 18 credit hour classes. which means lots n lots of homework, i also am taking piano lessons so i can hopefully one day play beautiful angelic music. i am bored out of my mind today, classes are only in the morning, i have no homework and im not involved in sports which means i have all afternoons and evenings off! whoo hoo! it will be wonderful once all the homework comes, it will give me lots of time to get it done!